The Summer of Solitude
And so it is…a summer of sweltering heat and solitude. This person in the picture could be me, a tiny figure at the very bottom of the picture, walking alone into some very big rooms on her own. BUT!!!! I’m not complaining. There has been worse, much worse, and it was a bitterly cold winter.
This is not the gnawing ache of fear or boredom. It is not the dizzy head-spinning inertia of being pulled against my will by another dead end relationship. This is me on the road, slowly going at it alone and not looking for someone else to fill the well.
I am “American Amelie”. I seek my own thoughts, weave my imagination into everyday reality, and listen to that the little inner voice that prefers the quiet settled comfort of today over the chaos of long ago.
“Oh, well then this will be the time when you inevitable find someone.” the old cruel adage goes. As if those years I spent seeking and not receiving were meant as some kind of “lesson”…when really, it was very terrifying to go through the chances and changes of life without an anchor.
No, this is not the time for romantic love. Although I’ve been on my own for a long time, I can’t say that finding a lover would enrich my life. I’ve accepted what is true. I am alone. Of course there is a tiny knot in my throat at the thought. But as long as I look up and out at the life I’ve created for myself, and see the people, places and experiences that grace my life now, I see reality and it’s not that bad.
I’ve tried to grasp for connection before by lying to myself and saying “oh I’m not looking.” When what I really wanted was someone to just show up that was “oh so perfect” for me. I was just trying to trick my way through some loneliness karma I thought the G-Ds were forcing on me. I no longer believe that life is that cruel. I believe I chose this path, so that I could become me. I’ve accepted my choice and made peace with it.
Seeking has never worked. I’ve stopped expecting it to. So please spare me the cute phrases and sayings. I’ve come to some kind of peace with my life as it is, and I’m not prepared to settle. So if the “right” person shows, then “okay”, but let me say that there will be plenty of healthy scepticism involved.
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