The Princess and the Trash Can
This path is leading me somewhere out of my zone of safety. Change is necessary. Editing out the pieces that no longer work, refining myself and my life again to bring in a new regime. I know I need a new master. This one is not always just or merciful.
I got out of my shower and stared down at the tile floor. I remembered myself a year ago, collapsing against the tile wall after each shower because I was too exhausted to stand up and dry myself off. Working fourteen to eighteen hours a day for six days a week will do that to a body. That and being the trash bin for the ambitions, doubts and machinations of a different set of egos everyday.
Since then, I’ve been picking away at the tiny locks that chain me here and there. Another lock broken, another moment to be scared of a little more freedom before I’m ready. Freedom means more responsibility. And I’m use to being the dog: loyal, protective, and always understanding. Going against that good nature is not comfortable. What if it all collapses before a new answer is revealed.
I was almost fired two weeks ago from a show. I was told by my immediate boss that the producer said,” I was the worst person he had every worked with.”
Less than a week later, while working on another production and exerting one-fourth the effort I had put into the other show, the producers said that they couldn’t believe how good I was at the very same job.
Yesterday I sat in my therapist’s office and laughed at the utter stupidity of it all. Everyday I walk into a new production, and I never know if I am pariah or saint. Instead I do my job as quickly and efficiently as possible and keep my head down.
“There is nothing creative about what I do.” I confided. “There is nothing that I can point to and say I gave this to the world.” I wear “show black” head to toe so that if the camera turns in my direction that I do not stick out and ruin the shot. My job is to be invisible. If someone notices you then it usually isn’t to compliment you.
“Maybe the reason why you’ve clashed with certain personalities is that they don’t see you.” She continued, “You’re coming out of your shell and you’re not hiding anymore.”
An hour later I sat in my hair stylist’s barber chair. I started apologizing immediately for all of the frizz and snares that he’d have to deal with. In my line of work, taking responsibility or an apology before the fact, is a great way to offset the condemnations of the egomaniac du jour.
He stopped me, “Stop apologizing, you’re making me uncomfortable.” He laughed. “I’ve dealt with much worse. He then gave me the same lecture my cousin did two months earlier, “You shouldn’t hide under all this hair.” He pulled my hair down, it fell down to my waist. I didn’t know how long it was. I had been wearing a bun for the past two years.
He cut off four inches and gave me several layers. Suddenly my frizzy hair, had body and curl. “There you are gorgeous. Now take yourself out for the evening.”
It is time for me to turn into a princess. I can already hear the first sentence out of their mouths, “How could she be so ungrateful?
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Comments
Sam,
I know exactly how you feel. It was about three years ago that I was asked by a fanatic perfectionist “what is wrong with you?” My reply– “I’m out of focus.” This certain someone could not understand what I meant. He never will, but I feel certain that you will.
Now, this may sound hookey, but I think the acceptance your truly searching for is your own. I don’t feel that you should have to appolgize for who you are. You and I both know that I am idealistic, but if someone doesn’t like me I view that as their problem not mine. I know my value as a person and if someone else cannot see it, then they are not worth the energy it takes to worry about.
Do you remember in the not so distance past a certain best freind whom you told to “stop hiding behind all that hair.” I would never have thought that someone would be saying that to you! I think we need each other more than we realize and that we came together again for a reason. I can’t wait to get to NY, we are going to “take ourselves out” when I get there. I mean that figuratively as well as literally. Besides–what would Alex think? Maybe you need to reconnect with her too. She exudes self confidence–remember?
All my love,
K-
Posted by: Kimber | September 23rd, 2006 16:17
Well, hi again. Your latest entry reminds me of a situation that I found myself in when I was still relatively ‘young’ in the business, and found myself working for a Production Manager who just flat ass didn’t like me. I tried and tried and eventually started to look at it like Kimber does, hey, if he doesn’t like me, that’s his problem. And I started to set my own standards, not adopt those of someone else, because in the long run, I had to live with them. And since I know what you do, I would submit that I, like you, are part of a team. For the shows that we work on, there are occasional ’stars’ but for the most part, those of us behind the camera just do what we are supposed to do, make someone else look good, have fun when we can along the way, and get paid (pretty well) for it. It is certainly a better lot than some. Kimber was also right in that you should surround yourself with positive people to offset those negatives that are unavoidable (= asshole producers). It’s about balance.
Let me know how I can help.
Best,
Jay
Posted by: Jay | September 24th, 2006 15:29