De Ce Monde Secret de l’ Amelie Americaine

1) Talent will always f-up the very last line of a long paragraph of script.

Solution: Ego massage about how hard it is to read a teleprompter, and a candid story about a famous broadcaster who calls himself a stupid a-hole every time he makes a mistake, usually does the trick.

2) When you try for a second, third, fourth or fifth take, there will be the following noise: a cell phone, a siren, or a helicopter.

Solution: There is no solution. You’re shooting in New York City, what did you expect.

3) When everyone’s nerves are frayed, and fatigue and impatience have set in, the producer will trip over a piece of equipment…while the camera is rolling.

Solution: Although they’re signing your pay check, they need your technical know how to get the job done. This is the time to suggest that everyone needs a latte to get through the next shot.

4) A writer or producer will always reword the script less than a minute before you start taping the show. Talent will have already rehearsed the old copy, therefore talent will stumble over the new copy. They will continue to reword it, until it no longer represents anything resembling the English language.

Solution: Think of ways to spend all money you’ll make in overtime. Avoid the following: barely audible groans. Take up the following: Soduku or crosswords

5) The more over-exposed the talent, the less likely they will show up for rehearsal, the more they will mess up, and blame you for their mistakes.

Solution: Make sure you own an invisibility cloak, a-la Harry Potter.

6) If you’re shooting a corporate video in an old office building, the sound man will also moonlight as the gaffer and camera assistant. He will plug all of the lighting and camera equipment into the same wall. He will insist that you don’t know what you are talking about because he’s a production renaissance man. The fuse will blow in that office, and a rolling black out will occur on the floor.

Solution: Silence is golden, even if you’re dealing with a dumb shit.

7) When you are done shooting you will notice that there was a flag was in the frame.

Solution: Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

If a piece of equipment falls, it will land on your foot. Chances are that it will be an open leathermen, the sharp end of a camera plate, or the c-stand that you forgot to tie down to your rig.

Solution: When object falls instinctively lift right leg like a flamingo or get use to wearing ugly steel toed boots.

9) After you arrive late for your call time, you’ll discover that either you’re missing equipment or the equipment is not properly functioning.

Solution: You won’t be coming back to work for this client so make the most of the craft service.

10) The more someone reminds you that you’re lucky to have a job in the entertainment industry, the higher the chances are that they’ll neither pay you the standard day rate for that job, nor will they pay you on time.

Solution: Be impressed with no one unless they’ve earned your respect and appreciate the job you do.

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