De Ce Monde Secret de l’ Amelie Americaine

“ A Chinese poet many centuries ago noticed that to re-create something in words is like being alive twice. At the taproot, to seek change probably always is related to the desire to enlarge the psychic place one lives in.”
–Frances Mayes in Under the Tuscan Sun

For now I’m just holding my breath and remembering all the good that has come into my life over the last year since I returned from my trip to Paris. I’m no longer so exhausted. I’ve almost completely extricated myself from situations that were pulling me down, sucking out my life force, and I’m still financially afloat. I haven’t been pulled into any uncontrollable vortex, where sudden change or quick reactions are necessary for my survival. Yet, selfishly I can’t help but feel that this is not enough. I’m grateful for all that I have now, but I desire change.

My biggest fear is that this is a spiritual deal breaker. You know the kind you make with your G-D when you say, “If you grant me this one wish, I promise to….fill in the blank”.

In this case the deal I made seven years ago was, “All I want is to make a life in New York, what shape it takes is up to you, but please give me the opportunity to make something of myself. I promise to accept what you give me and be happy.”
My wish was granted. I’ve been through some real shake ups but there was always a way to recover and move on to bigger and better opportunities.

At this time no rug has been pulled out from underneath me. No crushing or unexpected blow has forced me into action…yet I feel that urge to move beyond this invisible fourth wall that defines the boundaries of my routine, everyday life. I’m not sure if I deserve more than what has been offered or if this is the time to mobilize and face the resistance, and take another leap of faith, knowing full well that I could be making a huge mistake.

But another leap where?

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