De Ce Monde Secret de l’ Amelie Americaine

When my best friend Kimber and I were both fourteen years old, we had secret identities, and aliases that we used in the notes that we passed to one another in school. In these notes were epic stories of the adventures our alter egos took around the world with our rock star boyfriends. My character’s name was Alex, short for Alexandra. She dated Simon Le Bon from Duran Duran and traveled with him on his yacht. In real life, our rock stars were married or already had girlfriends, but this fact only added extra drama to our stories as we thought of ways to rid “our” men of the women who simply weren’t right for them. We were scary, scary little girls.

These alter-egos though served a greater purpose. In our imagination we could become someone else and free ourselves of the baggage of our “real lives”. For example, Kimber reminded me that Alex’s most attractive trait was her confidence. She knew what she wanted, she knew who she was, and was alright with both. This quality could not have contrasted more with the outcast teenager, who had lived in fear of her family, and didn’t quite fit in at school. But some where inside Kimber insisted, Alex was still there. No she wouldn’t date Simon LeBon anymore, he’s far too old for her, and is a rumored chauvinist, who’s allergic to cats, and a Scorpio to boot. Clearly, he’s not a proper match, but she wouldn’t hesitate to be true to herself.

It’s been just over a week since I turned another year older. As the day approached, I felt a sinking desperation that another year had passed and I was still somehow, “not quite there yet”.
But a funny thing happened, the big day arrived and it was fabulous. I realized life is only getting better. I don’t need to be Alex anymore, but I do need the lessons that she taught me. Even though she was a figment of my imagination, she was also a part of the menagerie of women that informed the shape of my own womanhood.

I allowed myself three big purchases for my birthday: a Coach purse, a cashmere sweater (on sale, bien sur), and a facial. I wasn’t in Paris (c’est dommage), but I could treat myself to some style. I cleaned out my closet of the non-essentials, everything that stayed fit me well and was neither stained nor torn. I have a lot less crap in my closet and more quality. This is my motto for the new year, to have “discretion” like a true femme and ask myself one simple question before each decision..mainly, “Is this really me?”

Inspired by a recent book I read called, Entre Nous by Debra Ollivier, I have made the following promises to myself:

1) I will seek to be more like myself, and less like what others want me to be.

2) I will not apologize for saying no, but will say it gracefully and with compassion. I will not back pedal or make excuses. No, is enough, and I will not feel guilty for saying it.

3) I will be continue to be “self-contained”. I will not be undone by the waves of someone else’s opinion or their emotions. I am free to express myself.

4) I will not seek to changed myself into someone else, but I will search within for the answers within and honor that instinctive wisdom. Each experience I have will help me to refine my life and clarify who I am.

5) I will love myself because I will know my true self, and therefore I will be able to love, honor and care for someone else. I think I finally understand why I am who I am, and why this has put me at odds with some family and friends alike.

More on this later. Although it may sound like more self help tripe, there much more to this story, which I’ll reveal later on.

Listen to this podcast

Post a comment

Name: (required)

Email Address: (will not be published) (required)

URL:

Comments: