De Ce Monde Secret de l’ Amelie Americaine

Bette Davis once said that she never regretted any professional enemy that she made. She was an American Actress in the very competitive, caddy and exclusive world of movie making. These were not the ordinary and petty rivalries brought about by too much partying, fame and ego massage. These were calculated chess matches between icons that stood like towers and needed no introduction. Everyone in the room knew who they were when they arrived. They presented themselves with a class and dignity that I believe certain young actresses of today could benefit from.

In other words a rivalry was not something to be taken lightly. I can respect that kind of regard for your enemy. Emotions and words should not escalate unless it serves a more calculated purpose. To respond in an emotional way to a quick jab or insult means giving your opponent the upper hand and losing respect.

I’ve applied this wisdom to many different situations that I’ve been in with a wide variety of personalities both on the job and in my personal life. I thank my father’s third wife for being the master of the underhanded, highly dishonest, one, two verbal sting. And somewhere between plotting my revenge and total forgiveness, is an expansive grey area, where the nuance and truth of the situation lies. This why only time will tell if a sour interaction was a genuine misunderstanding or indicative of deeper disrespect.

In my professional life, this has been a career saver as huge egos and unrealistic expectations collide and the fiery debris falls down to those who support them. This is where you will find me, in the trenches below, putting fires out in my department, and accepting responsibility that isn’t always mine to accept, while also trying to go about my life’s work of making some kind of career for myself.

For some time I had been asking myself if there was a reason for all of this nonsense. I hadn’t been “kicked out to the curb” yet, but each new show brought it’s own unique set of challenges and indignities, and I wondered if I was losing ground like you lose the sand underneath your feet by an outgoing tide. You know the waters are pulling you out to sea, but you stand firmly as the swift current carves whatever sand it can take from underneath your feet. Before you know it, you have to balance yourself precariously until the the next wave brings in more.

But the subtle truth and irony of the situation is that over the past few months, I’ve had to accept that I wasn’t always right about every person I disliked, didn’t trust, or completely despised. Logically speaking this shouldn’t have been a surprise. I can easily admit I’m wrong, but exactly who I was wrong about, that was the genuine shocker. Not that I’ve made a new best friend either. For now, I believe we stand a respectful, detached distance away from one another, not actively seeking to take the other one down.

It means a lot to receive respect from someone who use to try and get me fired off of every job we worked together. There is a new kind of confidence it gives me. I’m aware of the dangers of being seduced into liking this person, but I feel capable enough in my performance to look eye to eye with her and not wish her professional ill-tidings. I know I shouldn’t care about her opinion, but secretly I do.

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