De Ce Monde Secret de l’ Amelie Americaine

Inhale slowly, exhale even slower. “Just breathe.” I tell myself, mid-anxiety attack. I am back in my dream from three nights ago, feeling the emotions as if the events were taking place in my day time hours. My chest is tight. I feel the need to burst into tears. I am looking at his new girlfriend walking down the path from his house toward me. I stop, look at her and said, “He lied.” I make my way up and down this same small path retrieving a little more of my “mail” until I am ready to leave the path from his home once and for all. The symbolism was not lost on me.

“Just don’t lie.” was all I heard him say to me in the beginning of our relationship. I never felt any anxiety about why he said it. I assumed that he had been burned before, and that once he understood how much I loved him, this insinuation would go away. We are all insecure, I wasn’t going to toss a relationship because he was showing a bit of his dark side.

But IT was always there. The sharp mistrust punctuated by emotional outbursts, accusations, and sudden breakups over nothing…followed by over-whelming declarations of love and fidelity. “I want to open your heart.” He confided, “Place my heart inside yours and zip it up so no one else can get inside.” What he always failed to understand was that my heart was already open, no surgery was necessary. I steadied our relationship with even and muted reactions, like a parent, patiently witnessing the out-burst of her toddler.

“He lied.” I finally said the words out loud to a friend. We were driving home from work in my car. The night shielding my face from direct view. “He smoked pot everyday. Although I never knew until his friend blurted it out. He failed the bar at least three times. He told me it was once. And…he was trolling online dating sites at least a month prior to our final break up. He lied.” I admitted to my friend, like a dark confession that needed to be let out. “I gave my heart to the wrong man.” And just like that.  I knew, however anxious I felt about opening my heart to someone else.  I am definitely ready to move on.

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