Protection
Is my guardian angel speaking through friends and coworkers? Or am I going to be left hanging, alone with my faith, leading to no concrete results? While Mr. Republican Hair Part and I finalize our arrangements for next weekend, Mr. Motorcycle decides to go for another round of back door flirting today at work.
It started with my hat, worn to cover a very bad haircut, but became some kind magnet for compliments from three male co-workers. Mr. Motorcycle took it one step further and handed me a computer print out of the cover of a DVD titled “Fievel et le Nouveau Monde”
“So, when are we going to head out west to California.” he asks slyly.
“Uh?” I shrug not sure if he knows, that I know, that he just got back from California on a trip with another woman, even if she was a lesbian.
“Isn’t that where Fievel went to? Your hat is just like his. When are we going on our trip?” He counters, and I finally make the connection between the print out he gave me and his first question.
I back out gracefully with an uncommitted one liner, and exit the stagehands office, painfully conscious of the tension between us.
Back in the safety of my of station, I drop the paper in front of my computer, and turn to a cameraman, who witnessed the whole interaction.
“What do you think he meant by this?” I point to my picture of Fievel, a french mouse, with an optimistic rudsack slung over his left shoulder.
“He’s flirting with you like a sixteen year old.” He instantly retorts.
“Flirting doesn’t mean he actually has any real feelings for me. He keeps doing things like this, yet he’s never come out and said, “Hey, would you like to go out for a movie and dinner?”
“Why don’t you something about it?” He counters.
“No, I want someone who will put himself out there and come through the front door, not another “backdoor bob” I stated flatly.
In my old age I’ve become someone who wants a man who will tell me his intentions up front and will follow through. I’ve become dogmatically old fashioned about my demands. I’m ready for my good guy. While Mr. Motorcycle is undoubtedly very outgoing, outwardly confident, tall, and handsome, there is a part of me that feels like a little girl in his presence…hiding a bit and more quiet than usual. When our eyes meet there is an electricity, but neither one of us seems to know if we want to honestly acknowledge that current, or let it be.
Recent murky dating waters have left me feeling a little insecure, confused, and faithless, even as I pray faithfully…not for anyone specific, but only that the right person comes into my life. I hope the powers that be don’t take it personally that I have a hard time believing my prays will be fulfilled. There is also a part of me that knows that no man will be 100% perfect, and I do not want to push someone away who may be right for me, but a bit awkward.
Putting aside all prejudice, I ask the cameraman an honest question, “What do you think of him. What do you know?”
The cameraman stopped his work, and turned to me, “I think he was living with someone recently and she cheated on him and left him for someone else, yet I don’t really like him honestly. He has a mean streak, and I think he can be a bit controlling. Who knows, maybe she had had enough and decided to break free.”
It was really all that needed to be said. Instantly, a wave of fear and sorrow overtook me. And of course, it was almost time to go on the air. I pushed back tears, and focused on my work. The cameraman touched my arm gently, like he could read into the years of repressed fear, and frustration, that I would betray myself and fall for someone, who would really deeply hurt me.
“I think you can do a lot better.” He said compassionately.
My only fear. Will I find it? Will I know it when it happens. Will I believe in the moment, or callously overlook genuine affection. Or will I look back years from now and realized my missed opportunities to finally get it right. And I am not talking about Mr. Motorcycle.
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