Feel the Pain and Do it Anyway
It’s now time to get back to reality. Mr. Republican Hair Part and I have exchanged emails, admitting that there has been a certain malaise about our lives since his departure last week. I missed a phone call from him this morning. Still I have to remind myself to not focus all my attention on one person. Especially someone who seems to be focused on someone else.
Feeling the pain, the fear, the potential vulnerability, and finding the grace to not cave in on myself and hide away from the world like a little girl. This is my challenge to myself. I don’t have to enjoy it. I just have to show up for the opportunities.
When my financial adviser called to invite me to a short cocktail party, I decided to go. Not because this is my social crowd of choice, but because I have to acknowledge that my opportunities to meet men and date might improve, if I expand my circle beyond work, beyond, the French classes (which are predominantly filled with women), beyond, the circle of friends who are already married, settled, and otherwise not prone to putting themselves “out there.”
This week I have purposely crammed my schedule with new friends, classes and social events.
My “to do” list.
Arrange times to hang out with acquaintances who live in Westchester. Expand my social circle. Stop hiding in my apartment. Even if it is a fabulous apartment.
Educate myself about a potential second source of income so I can more easily afford the new house. Stop taking the path of least resistance, work wise.
Attend wine tasting for this year’s release of Beaujolais Nouveau at the Alliance Francais. I am going alone. It doesn’t get more uncomfortable than that.
Make a dentist appointment, and get two cavities filled. It doesn’t get more potentially painful than that.
And, finally buy my airline ticket for the holidays. Even though I love love love my chosen family, every holiday I am usually the only single person, kissing no one under the mistletoe. It doesn’t get more lonely than that. I remind myself continuously that,”You are lovable, you are safe. You life is what you have made it.”
Everything happens in it’s own time, even if for the moment you have to feel the pain, and do it anyway.
“New York is a great city,” I wrote in an email to Mr. Republican Hair Part. “Determined and creative spirits thrive here because it forces you to know yourself, know what you want, what you don’t want, and be focused about getting it.”
I think it is time I start to listening to my own words.
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